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There is a 90% chance that this blog is going to be peppy (there is going to be an overuse of exclamation marks). So, if that's not your speed, you might want to...stay anyway! 😁
I thought it would be a cool idea to place this post right after the previous one, because I feel like the juxtaposition is a true reflection of what we all experience: the "happy one second, sad the next" merry-go-round of life. That's why I am super excited to tell you that today, I am feeling that fullness of joy that Psalms 16:11** talks about. And it's amazing! It does not feel like the happiness that ensues when something really good happens. It feels like more. Like knowing everything is going to be okay, because Someone Greater's got it all figured out and there's no need to worry about anything! Asdfghkkjlk!!! The! Best! Feeling! Ever! And to think that all I had to do was run (and stay!) by His side...** Contented sigh. Thank You Daddy. ☺ P.S: Join me in saying a prayer for everyone who needs joy today that they will run to the Lord's side where joy resides. I'm upset.
I am not really sure where this post is going, but feel free to stick around to see how it ends. I know we are all flawed. Gosh, quite recently, the Lord showed me a fundamental flaw in the way I think and act; it was very humbling, to say the least. So I will be the first to admit that we are all flawed. Okay maybe not the first, but I will attempt to admit it... Anyway, I try. I try really hard. I try to listen and take correction and improve and please. But on some days like today, I still end up feeling like poop. People don't appreciate, so I get mad that they don't. Then, I get mad at myself for wanting their appreciation because aren't I supposed to be living for God's approval and not theirs? It gets even more complicated, because what if they just forgot to say thank you? Or what if they, too, are in a bad mood because someone else had been unappreciative? I can't be mad at that. So I just end up with this salad bowl of undirected anger, guilt because I'm angry, sorrow because I feel guilty, hopelessness because I never seem to get anything right, and despair because I'm done. I'm just so over the idiosyncrasies of this world. I'm over the clutch-my-pearls-at-everything-you-say individuals. I'm over the easy-to-offend and hard-to-please people. I'm talking to me. I'm over me, too. I just want to be with Jesus: so simple, so uncomplicated, no ego, no pain, no negative feelings. Just me and Daddy. Sigh. I just want my Daddy. It would be easier, and honestly more self-gratifying, to claim that I don't care what people think about me.
But, I do care. I worry if people see Jesus when they see me. I worry about my quips eliciting cringes instead of smiles. I worry if my writing is sensationally enough to produce "Hmms." With these aforementioned worries and so many other unvoiced ones, it is hard to let go and just be a mouthpiece for God. Every time I write, it is a struggle between self and Spirit, between brain and heart. This is the part where I am supposed to tell you that the only One whose opinion matters is God and to not worry about what others think. Don't get me wrong: these assertions are true and should definitely be taken to heart. But it's hard to assert, when I find myself in the same loop of worrying, struggling, and then worrying about worrying and struggling. I think that's why the Lord authored this post: that it may be known that it is okay to struggle because we are still works-in-progress. It has never been our perfection that endeared us to Him, anyway. Thank God for that. |
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